The Empty Nest

The Chickens Have Flown The Coop!

This is the season where parents are sending their young off on the next chapter in their lives. ‘COLLEGE BOUND!’ Golden Diva’s it might not seem like it but this is a joyous occasion. It is time to start over, rejuvenate and focus on your lives. No more rushing home from work to pick up children from the daycare or running around endlessly to make sure the children get to their designated engagements on time, because they are self-efficient young responsible adults.

Not to say you won’t miss your babies because I know you will. I’m sure some of you are taking them to school right now helping them to get settled in around campuses across the globe. With tears in your eyes, praying and hoping they remember everything you taught them.

For others, this is a time of complete celebration. You know your work as a parent for 18 years has paid off, yet you want your baby to be at home where you feel it is safe.  Nonetheless, all of your hard work is about to go into some serious action. Your little ones have grown up, went off to school, they’ve moved on with careers, in relationships, gotten married and even started families of their own.

OH…WHAT A RELIEF IT IS! OR IS IT?

However, in this very moment when you say your goodbyes and you get that last hug, you know the one, when your child tells you you’re cutting off their circulation because you squeezing them too tight, you realize you are an official ‘Empty Nester!’

 Your mind is all over the place with sadness, fear, and trepidation and you ask yourself

‘Now What?’

You go back home and your house has become unnervingly quiet and it is driving you crazy. So many times you said to your spouse or to your friends you can’t wait to have more time to focus on you. When Lil Johnnie or Baby Girl go away to college I’m gonna (you fill in the blank)…?!!

Now the time has come and you realized there is no more chaos, no more chauffeuring your kids around to after school events, no more arguments and playful fights to break up, no more doing homework, you’re ready to break down crying because the babies are not coming home tonight  and you won’t  see those precious little angels in the morning. Your entire world has been turned upside down and you’re feeling a sense of loss.

The nostalgia of pitter patter little feet grew up to a bunch of teenagers who invaded your house with loud noises and nuisances that have dissipated and now sadness has crept in. After-all you have devoted your entire life to raising your little tax write offs to the fullest and now they are gone! No more play-dates, no more can I go to the mall, no more late night sneaking out, or talking to that boy or girl that they think they are in love with, no more tournaments, and no more spelling bees.

You get the point! Now, it’s just you and the empty house or maybe you and your spouse.

Those years of a busy household are a thing of times past and whether you are married or single Golden Diva’s you are feeling the emptiness.

Sure…this is only natural to feel a little sad. You have now entered the ‘Empty Nest Syndrome!’

The Empty Nest Syndrome is where parents alike especially Mom’s (because they are the primary caretakers) are feeling depressed and sad the most as they say goodbye to their young to start their lives. Mothers, for the most part, are caught in their feelings. Some can’t help but feel some type of grief and loneliness when their children leave home for the first time. The good thing is the ‘ENS’ is not a clinical condition.

Since young adults moving out from their families house is generally a normal and a healthy event, the symptoms of empty nest syndrome often go unrecognized. This can result in depression and a loss of purpose for parents since the departure of their children from “the nest” leads to adjustments in parents’ lives. And what an adjustment it can be if you haven’t prepared yourself mentally for the big change.

However, on the flip side, it’s also natural to feel a little excited because this starts a new chapter in your life as well. You do know this is ‘ALL POSTIVE’ and good. I hope you do. You’ve done a good job. You gave them a solid foundation to build upon. You taught them good values. So Golden Diva’s now you need to trust that they’re going to make good decisions. And if they don’t, guess what?! They can truly handle it. And now it’s time that you handle the fact that your babies (who will always be your babies) are young adults.

Now, dry those tears up and let’s fill that void that you are trying to hang on to with everything you ever wanted to do. You have the time to celebrate, explore and kick back to play, travel and enjoy!

One of my friends said this to me recently when I asked her if she was excited about being an empty nester.

“No! Now I Have To Deal with My Husband!”

I didn’t know if she was kidding or not but the look in her eyes spoke volume even after she stopped talking. You can imagine the look on my face when I heard that. When I think about it, I rarely saw her with her husband. She was always doing something with her children without him. I guess her children were a pleasant distraction because she was always on the go taking them to sports events, after school matter programs, and none ending rehearsals for something or the other.

You name it she lived her life vicariously through her children; especially her daughter. Now everything has come to a screeching halt. The sad part is she doesn’t have a relationship with the man that helped her produced those beautiful children and she doesn’t seem to be interested in trying to reestablish one neither. She went on to further state the following:

“I don’t even know if I have energy left to put into this relationship. And, I don’t know if I want to.”

On our radio show ‘Let’s Stay Together Talk’ in our ‘Making Marriage Work’ segment we talk about situations like this all of the time. As a couple, you must have your relationship already intact when your children are small, because you can lose sight of what marriage is all about when you forsake it for your children.

Now, don’t get me wrong as a parent you supposed to be there for your children but as a married couple, you also supposed to be there for one another. You have to put each other first in the marriage NOT your children. 

You should be growing together and not place your children over your marriage so when your children leave the nest your spouse won’t  seem foreign to you because you haven’t spent any quality time with them.

Unfortunately, my friend statement is so true for so many couples. Another one of my friends stated.

“I don’t even know my husband anymore, because I haven’t been alone with him in 23 years.” 

They have been married for 25 years and she was literally scared to embark on a new journey with her husband because their entire lives revolved around their 3 kids.

“We don’t have anything in common anymore. What will we talk about at the dinner table? OMG! What will we do on weekends?”

 I also have a single friend who I spoke to about being an empty nester who has devoted her entire life to raising her son. It is said that the empty nest syndrome is especially common in full-time mothers and I find this to be true with this particular friend. Although, her son is phenomenal, well rounded and very eager to make his mark in this world his mother and my friend is lost without him.    

Unfortunately, my girl is still trying to control his every move of who he dates and what type of job he should take. Granted she is offering him some solid information, but he is content in being a young twenty something figuring out his own way in life.

In her case, I do sympathize a little more with her because everything fell on her because her son’s father died when he was only 4 years old. She went through a painstaking rough patch for a while and she became very depressed because she was lonely and too afraid to get back out there and start dating again. So you guessed it…she invested everything into her one and ONLY SON!

Now Golden Diva’s no matter which one of these scenarios you relate to, it’s time to tell your own story and to stop living your life in the past and through your children. Like I said before you have done a good job of raising your children, whether it was alone, or with your spouse, now it is time to celebrate your new found freedom and it came at just the right time in the second part of your life.

The Other Side of 50!

You’re still young enough to get out there and explore the world, reinvent yourself, retire, find your life passion to what brings you joy and you’re old enough to not take any crap off of anyone anymore without feeling guilty by not putting the kids first.

Finding your ‘NEW NORMAL’ after your children have left the house can be exciting, exhilarating, exhausting and very emotional.

One Hundred Dollars a Month suggests a few tips for single mothers and couples that are struggling with being ‘Empty Nesters.’

1. Renew or make new friendships.  Plain and simple, this is a time to find deep, non-competitive friendships that will sustain you through your quiet days.  Plan a weekly meet-up for coffee–like your own personal play date.
2. Dive into new hobbies or spend more time on old ones.  Travel has ALWAYS been important to me, and I plan on continuing to make it my focus.
3. Date your spouse.  Raising kids is nutso sometimes, and that person you agreed to go through life with sometimes doesn’t get the attention they deserve.   Now you’re really in it together, though, in a quiet house with the rearing complete.  Get to know each other again.  Go to the movies, go out to dinner, go for walks in the evening…whatever.
4. Let the guilt go.  When the days are quiet and the stresses are gone, it’s easy to obsess about all of the things you could have done differently…or more of, but what’s done is done.  Worrying about it simply won’t change it.  Let it go, my friends, let it go.
5. Go back to school.  Maybe you never finished your degree, or you would like to make a career change and couldn’t because of the kids.  Now you can.  On the upside, you are already really good at buying school supplies and checking homework :).
6. Establish new traditions with your adult children.  They may be gone and living life, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t still a piece of them.  Host monthly Sunday dinners if they are close, visit them often, or plan a weekly phone call/email session.
7. Embrace the silence.  I bet you a million bucks that no less than once a week when the kids were home you wished for silence.  Now you have it.  Don’t feel bad.  You’ve earned it.  You’ve done your time.  Incorporate R&R into the day.
8. Exercise.  Exercise is a pretty solid suggestion to whatever you’re facing as long as you are able.  It releases those feel-good hormones.
9. Make new goals.  This is not the end.  It’s the beginning–and with us all living way longer, we hopefully still all have several decades of quality living.  Sit down with your spouse and decide what your goals together will be…retire in the Florida Keys, travel, buy a cabin?
10. Still a couple of years away from an empty nest?  Plan now.  Make the most of the final years your kids are at home.  Spend quality time.  Send them off knowing them fully.  Make plans for when they do leave–you’re not wishing them gone, you are preparing.

Freedom for the Empty Nesters 

1. You are now free to roam around the house in your birthday suit.
2. You are now free to engage in quiet mornings well spent reading a good book drinking your latte.
3. You are now free to more adventurous and daring (so take that walk on the wild side Golden Diva’s).
4. You are now free to be a little less responsible and sip on that red wine all day if you like in the house.
5. You are now free to remodel that bedroom and turn it into an office or a huge walk in closet.

Whatever you decide to do Golden Diva’s do it BIG!!

 Sources:

http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/sc-empty-nesters-college-family-0816-20160812-story.html

http://www.onehundreddollarsamonth.com/10-ways-to-combat-empty-nest-syndrome/