Making A  Change For A Better YOU!

As women, we are wives, mothers, professionals and born nurturers to our children and everyone else who happens to need our guidance. So it comes as no surprise that one day we can walk past a mirror and not recognize the woman who is staring back at us. Unfortunately, somewhere along the line, we have decided to make us last on the priority list, due to marriage, parenting, and life in general and yes the dreaded weight gain that comes along with it, you guessed it our ‘AGE!” But what if….we can reinvent ourselves and get a ‘DO OVER’ to have a second chance on the other side of 50 to come back better and stronger to have a whole new life…if we dared to try!

I would like to introduce you to my childhood friend and sister of 46 years since kindergarten to be exact. This woman that wears many hats can tell us a thing or two about reinventing ourselves so that we can become that fierce “Golden Diva” we were born to be!

Mary Sillah

Wife, Mother, Friend, Facility and Community Affairs Director

Mary is a 51-year-old “Golden Diva” with a purpose and a plan. She has been married for 26-years to her rock, her husband, Ibrahim Sillah. She is the proud mother of (3) children and she is a Chicago native, born and raised. Mary graduated from Percy L. Julian high school and Roosevelt University, Chicago.

She worked in the client services industry for more than 10-years until they (Ibrahim and Mary) decided she would take a break from the workforce when their second child was 4-years old because quality childcare became an issue for them.

Mrs. Sillah remained a homemaker through the birth of her third child and remained a stay-at-home-mom for a total of 16-years. During this tenure, she kept busy by volunteering at her children’s school and her neighborhood Chicago Public Library.

She then decided to return to the workforce in 2012 when a new career opportunity, as a Condo Property Manager, presented itself. The position required that she earn her CMCA state license within 6-months of employment, which she did.

Mary remained a Condo Property Manager for 2-1/2-years and has held her current position as the Facility and Community Affairs Director at a high-impact, an out-of-school-time program in the city’s Woodlawn community for almost 2-1/2-years.

Mary’s additional certifications include: First Aid/CPR Instructor and Notary Public and her hobbies include: World travel, and she is probably one of the few adults who still love to bowl, and laughter feeds her SOUL!!

In Conversation With Mary Sillah

C50: What was your ‘Ah Ha moment’ when you turned 50?

MS: My ‘Ah Ha’ moment actually came after my 48th birthday. When my dear Aunt Pearl found out I was 48-years old, she exclaimed, “You’re nearly half a century!!” I respectfully DID NOT remind her that she’s at least 30-years older than me, and thus much closer to a CENTURY than I was. This comment was my first wake-up call that time was not waiting for me. I was getting older and had not experienced or accomplished certain things in my life that I thought by this age, I certainly would have.

I resolved not to wait anymore and really start living my life and doing the things that I’ve always wanted to do. Spending more time with my favorite people and TRAVEL the things that give me joy. My children are now young adults and my husband and I spend more time conversing with them. I’ve also made traveling, with or without my husband, a priority. I feel like the clock is ticking and there are still a number of locations, locally and internationally, that is on my bucket list. I’ve always wanted to travel the world.

C50: Why is it important for women of a certain age to know that she ‘REALLY MATTERS’ and it is never too late to reinvent herself?

MS: As younger daughters, sisters, mothers or friends, we dedicate ourselves to these roles and relationships and tend to put our needs last. I was a wife and stay-at-home mom for more than 10-years. As a mother, once my children got older and were no longer dependent on me for their daily care, I felt a little lost and questioned my life’s “purpose.”

I reentered the workforce just 5-years ago, in a new career as a Licensed Condo Property Manager and began to discover a new life and a ‘NEW ME.’ I’m still thankful for my friend Denise Wyatt who saw the potential in me and offered me this opportunity that began my reinvention. I was in a management position and learned quickly how to navigate this NEW WORLD. I thought that I could continue to be everything to everyone, but began to fall short because I just could not do it all! What I also discovered was what I did and did not like about my field of work and how I could evolve it into what I do enjoy.

I finally realized that I mattered when I read an article that talked about wives and mothers consistently carving out time for personal self-care. This could be as simple a regular fitness class or a monthly girls day out. The main point was if you don’t take care of you, who will take care of your family? If you’re unhappy, the whole household is unhappy. Truthfully, it’s the women who usually keeps it all together. This is when I realized it’s never too late to reinvent ourselves and that YES we do matter.

C50: What was your epiphany when you realized that you had to create a new version of YOU and do you believe reinvention is a state of mind?

MS: My epiphany was not striking but gradual. I’m usually a happy person, but suddenly I was grumpy all the time and just didn’t feel fulfilled. I felt like I was missing out on so many of the things I wanted to do. My job was demanding, my family obligations seemed never ending, and I didn’t have a release. One day I just decided

“I CAN’T DO EVERYTHING!”

I am a human being with limitations and I just couldn’t do everything. The word NO became my best friend. I realized I could actually say the word “NO”, and not feel obligated to put an explanation behind it.

“This realization was so FREEING and LIBERATING!”

Saying NO was my way of reinventing myself. I began to say NO to my children more often and even practiced saying it in different languages too, just to annoy my kids! Reinvention definitely begins as a state of mind. We as individuals decide to be happy or miserable, regardless of our personal situations or economic status. We’ve all heard the case for wealthy people being unhappy and people from lower income households recounting happy childhoods. Our whole being is centered on a “STATE of MIND.”

C50: Was your reinvention under pressure, choice or necessity?

MS: My reinvention occurred as a result of all three. I felt under pressure constantly, by my family and job obligations. I have a husband, three children, my dad and my mother-in-law, who I felt obligated to care for. I love my family so this responsibility was a no-brainer. My job was demanding and occasionally required late meetings or regularly working past 5:00 PM. My reinvention became a reality due to pressure, choice, and necessity. I have no regrets about it and I’m happier because of it.

C50: Is it wise for a woman in her 50’s to start over professionally in her career?

MS: ABSOLUTELY!! I can say from my personal experience, you certainly can!
I earned my bachelor’s degree in Marketing and worked in this and related capacities for many years before I stopped working. During my stint as a Homemaker, I dabbled in a few home based businesses and volunteered extensively at my children’s school. I definitely kept busy. I always debated what career move I should make, especially as my children got older. I considered teaching but realized I love children but didn’t have the passion to teach. I think most people who discover their passion and make a career out of it, often find the most joy. Or at least, really enjoy what they do.

I feel that I’ve “started over” in my current position. I’m still in property management–yet so much more. I’m the Facility and Community Affairs Director at a high-impact, an out-of-school-time program in Chicago. It’s a dynamic, holistic program and I feel that I’m “teaching” and “mentoring” in my interactions with our student population. I get joy from interacting with the kids on so many levels. We serve students from 5th grade through their college graduation and with this range, there’s a multitude of ways in which I get to interact with these young people. I celebrate their joys and as staff, help them overcome obstacles.

I’m also more engaged in community service for the surrounding neighborhoods where I live and work. As the Community Affairs Director, I’ve been invited to sit at the table and have meaningful discussions about neighborhood development trends and find ways to partner and support surrounding community organizations that are ultimately for the benefit of everyone involved. I’m networking and steering people to our after-school program, who may really benefit from our services and also reaping benefits from their resources that also benefit our student population. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoy this aspect of my job. I am a sociable person and so meeting and networking with others come naturally. I think I’ve found my new passion.

C50: Was there a passion or desire that made you thrive to reinvent yourself?

MS: My main reason for reinventing myself was my desire to be “HAPPY!” Such a simple word, but I didn’t feel it in my soul. I have a relationship with God and know that  He is my strength. He has guided me in my life choices and protected me when I knew it was no one but GOD. BUT…I didn’t feel happy. For my overall well-being, I couldn’t continue in that state of mind.

C50: Is it worth the challenge to undertake major changes in your later life and do you think reinventing yourself is a sign of growth?

MS: Life reinvention, at any age, is worth the challenge. I think later in life is even more worth the challenge. I can recall things I endured in my youth, and then learned as I got older, and with experience, that it wasn’t really worth the pain. I wish I had realized, a lot sooner, that I had other options. I retain a lot of phrases that help me cope and one of my all-time favorites is…

 “Experience Is The  Best Teacher.” 

You can advise someone about a situation. You can warn someone not to engage in behaviors that are unhealthy. Until someone has that “experience”, your words fall on deaf ears. Everyone has to walk their own path to growth. I’m thankful for those early experiences and have grown because of them.

I feel like, we don’t know how many more years we have on earth to experience THIS LIFE. Why not make the most of it? Reinvention is definitely a sign of growth. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. The definition of reinvention is overcoming insanity! If this isn’t a positive sign of growth, what is? LOL!

C50: How important is it to you to rediscover your fashion style in your fifties and is dressing age appropriate a factor for you?

MS: The challenge for me at fifty is not rediscovering my fashion style, but trying to make sure I’m dressing age appropriately. Yes, this is a factor for me. Let me clarify. I don’t prefer to dress really trendy but instead gravitate towards classic fashion pieces, then I can throw in a trendy piece here and there.

I like my fashion style, which starts with basic pieces and then I dress it up with jewelry or my shoes. I’m personally not comfortable with pieces that hug my curves, however, that may look great on someone else and I say ROCK IT! For me, I absolutely love a unique pair of shoes, ones you won’t necessarily find on the masses. Unique shoes for my BIG feet are sometimes my fashion statement. Lastly, every fashion trend is not for every body BUT the trick is to love and own the one that speaks to you.

C50: Did you do a personal makeover from the inside to the outside to take back your life?

MS: Yes, I did a personal makeover from the inside out to take back my life. Although I like my outside, I can stand to lose a few pounds, but most of my friends in their fifties also feel the same way. We still look good, but everyone is carrying a few extra pounds due to our slowing metabolism. I miss being able to eat whatever I liked without consequences. I think a lot of Golden Divas can relate. (Okay, I digressed a little bit.) My personal makeover involved changing who I was as an individual and becoming the best advocate for me.

I needed to decide, what are the things in my life that give me joy? My family, my friends, activities? What gave me pure joy? I realized that it was really a lot of the simple things that we take for granted but I never made the time to enjoy them. This may sound corny, but it’s true. Chicago is chock full of venues, festivals, museums, the parks and lakefront, that is literally free- all we have to do is enjoy them. I have people in my life that I truly love but I rarely get to spend time with them. I decided I would change this as well. Grown-up play dates were what I realized I needed to have in my life.

These people gave me FREE, pure joy and guaranteed laughter. I spent so many years where my life revolved around my children and their play-dates that I forgot how to PLAY. I also decided my husband and I needed to make more time to travel and enjoy us. We celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary in Montego Bay, Jamaica last May and it was one of the best decisions we ever made. We now decided to travel for our anniversary every May. It’s nice to have this person in my life to talk to, laugh with and plan my life with. We also try to have regular dates, but this is still a work in progress. Our youngest child is starting high school this year so we’re looking forward to her going off to college in four years. We’re also looking forward to having an empty nest in the next few years!

C50: Did you ever feel that you lost yourself along the way by moving your personal care to the bottom of the priority list?

MS: I certainly lost me. No doubt about it. I didn’t like it at all. I woke up one morning and asked: “Who are you?” I can’t recall the exact moment but I think I started to compare myself to other women in terms of their appearance or accomplishments and I just felt like I didn’t match up because I hadn’t traveled to a certain city, or I hadn’t eaten at a popular restaurant. I hadn’t… I hadn’t… the list in my head was growing. My family was financially comfortable but I felt encased in my own world and I was missing out on the simple joys that were all around me.

I decided to start taking better care of me, inside and out. Now I make sure that I am my first priority, and not in a selfish way. I know that if I don’t practice self-care and love, who will be around to love and care for my family? Being physically and mentally healthy is one of the best things women can do for themselves and it doesn’t have to break the bank. Those who really know me, know that I’m one of the best bargain hunters because another woman taught me so well!

Treat yourself to a small reward after each payday or if you feel you accomplished a personal goal. The process is definitely one-day-at-a-time. It’s just making a small change each day, like trying to eat healthier or trying to take the stairs when possible versus the elevator, but also don’t beat yourself up either when you fall to the temptation of those Harold’s Chicken Wings!

Bonus Question

C50: What is the one thing you would like for another Golden Diva to know about so that they can reinvent themselves in their fifties?

MS: I have 4 things I’d like the Golden Divas to remember when reinventing herself in her fifties. 

1. Be your Authentic Self
Most of us probably remember spending our youth trying to please everyone around us and not always following our dreams. Discover who you really are and what you like—and what you do not like. At this age, don’t waste your valuable time on anything you don’t enjoy. In my fifties, I don’t do PHONY!!
2. Always Speak Your Truth
I’ve noticed that women in their sixties, and older, do not hold their tongue. (Recall my dear Aunt Pearl.) Older women speak their truth and do not hold back. I now realize at my age that I can communicate any message to anyone, it just depends on how I say it. You don’t have to be rude, just truthful about the situation, it just does not work for you. Or quite honestly, you just CAN’T or DON’T want to. No explanation is necessary.
3. Remember to “Treat Yourself”
Love on you! You do not need another human being to validate that you are a Phenomenal Woman! We are unique in our creation and always celebrate that and compliment and support your fellow woman. Your “treat” can be as simple as your favorite coffee drink, a mani-pedi, scented oils or a little trinket. Do whatever brings you JOY.
4. FIND THE FUNNY
As a mother, when I gave birth for the first time, the hospital did not give my husband and me an instruction guide on how to raise our child (and we later found out that no two children are exactly the same).This is also true with our daily lives. No two days are ever the same… No matter how satisfied we are in our lives right now, there will always be highs and lows. I’ve learned that no matter the HIGH or LOW, I’m always trying to FIND THE FUNNY. If I don’t laugh, I may find myself crying…and even I don’t want to see this! I’m thankful to God that I’ve matured enough to see the positive in every situation. No matter the trial, I’m thankful that I made it through.

C50:  There you have it Golden Diva’s “In Conversation” with Mary Sillah. Thank you for sharing your transformation of how you reinvented yourself on the other side of 50! 

Do share Golden Divas, how are you reinventing yourselves?