Marriage and Menopause: Just The 3 of Us!

Can Your Marriage Survive During Menopause?

Hey, Golden Divas!

I sure hope so; however, let’s talk about the other Woman. The woman in your marriage! No, I’m not talking about a mistress. I’m talking about the woman that has been showing up on the regular every time you look into the mirror. This woman has probably reared her pretty little head within your marriage numerous times and confused the heck out of your husband.

Now don’t get me wrong some men may like the different personalities that come with the changes of life; (for instance if you are role-playing another woman to spice things up) that’s another post in this category that we will be talking about later. However, if your man is anything like mines, he like a consistent personality that will not deviate too far to the left with lots of mood swings. (Ya’ll know it confuses men, they are wonderful simple creatures).

WHO ARE YOU?

This brings me to this week topic: “Marriage and Menopause: Just The 3 of Us.”  I mentioned in “My About Me” page how patient my loving husband, my covenant keeper, my work partner, my lover and my friend Ricardo is and I promised I was going to tell you more about his patience a little later. Well….it’s a little later and Ricardo is still hanging in there with me. Poor thing probably looks at me and say which one am I getting today, Brenda, Fay, Mrs. McCain or the “Straight Out Of Roseland” chick (which by the way is a good thing as well, the don’t mess with me chick). Either way, The McCain’s have been tackling the unknown perils of menopause together on my new journey of “Golden Living!”  

If you haven’t already gotten a chance to read my Men.O.Pause Monologue post I recommend that you do so. It can be found under the health and healthy eating category.  

So to all of my Golden Divas that are married let’s get right into it.  As mentioned before menopause is a time of intense hormonal, physiological and emotional change, which can cause some massive situations in this time of our lives for us to manage. As women it is only natural that during this time we focus only on ourselves; however, how does menopause affect husbands who spend their lives with women struggling with menopause symptoms?

Ladies…I only can speak for mines as I said before he is hanging in there, with the good, the bad, the unknown and the what the…..(you fill in the blank). I cannot stress this enough communication is the key factor. It can make or break your marriage! If you have a lack of communication in your marriage get ready for some tumultuous arguments and some intense stares. I didn’t want to blindside my husband to what I was going through, it would have been unfair and unjust. So when I found out what was going on with me I shared it with him. At first, I heard…

“It can’t be all that bad. Isn’t menopause a natural part of being a woman”

Uh…huh…keep talking Rick, I guess he thought he was being supportive. Then I heard what’s wrong with you? Why are you so irritated all of the time? Brenda why are you standing in front of the freezer, get the meat and close the door.

Baby Bye!!

That was coupled with a few side eye looks, head rolls and daggers being thrown at the same time. I was seriously having an intense hot flash and he was not understanding my plight! However, over time we started getting back into the groove with one another when I started breaking my symptoms down to him.    

Okay, after leaving you with those episodes of menopause madness in The McCain household let’s take a look at the top 3 unwanted gifts we were given with menopause that can and will affect your marriage if you allow it to do so.

Emotional Symptoms & Hormonal Imbalances 

Mood Swings: One menopause symptom that could affect marriage is drastic mood swings. Hormonal changes during menopause may cause a woman’s mood to fluctuate from being depressed, irritated, and sad to extremely peaceful and calm. This may completely confuse partners who aren’t quite sure how to adapt to such changing emotions. Keep the lines of communication open, especially during the moments of calmness, to discuss changing emotions.

Quite often, as menopause symptoms begin to appear, women are also dealing with other significant life changes. Children moving out of the home, upcoming retirement, and a change in life focus may cause increased stress in a woman’s life. These huge life changes, coupled with volatile mood swings, may create an incredible amount of stress on an otherwise happy marriage.

Physical Changes: A woman’s body goes through a number of physical changes besides the cessation of menstruation and the onset of hot flashes and night sweats. As hormone levels fluctuate, women have an increased tendency to put on weight. Thinning hair is another symptom some women experience during menopause. Often, the physical changes to a woman’s body greatly affect her self-esteem. This may present as depression and can put quite a strain on a woman’s marriage.

Getting more exercise and eating a healthy diet may help to both shed those unwanted pounds and improve a woman’s mood. Exercise is also a great way to relieve the tension and anxiety that often plague menopausal women.

Decreased Sex Drive: According to Denise A. Donnelly, an expert on sexless marriages, couples that have more sex are happier than others. Many women experience a decrease in sex drive, which puts a strain on their relationship with their partner. Many also suffer from vaginal dryness, which may lead to uncomfortable sex and/or an avoidance of intimacy. The lack of intimacy and avoidance of sex can leave partners feeling unloved and unwanted.

For some women, the loss of menstruation indicates a lack of fertility, often making her feel less feminine or desirable. For others, a lack of communication in other areas of life causes arguments and hurt feelings, resulting in less interest in physical intimacy. Talk to your partner about your feelings regarding sex and set aside time for physical intimacy. Talk to your doctor about possible solutions to your lowered sex drive and vaginal dryness.

While women definitely have a lot of emotional and physical changes to deal with during menopause, men may need help understanding what they are experiencing. Many men are not great at communication skills and may keep their questions and concerns bottled up inside. Without addressing the added stress menopause puts on a marriage, relationships may fail completely. Keep the lines of communication open, and talk to your spouse about your symptoms and emotional struggles. If you find that communication doesn’t seem to be working, consider seeking out a marriage therapist who may be able to help.

So now the question becomes …

Can Menopause Cause A Divorce?

Did you know according to a recent survey conducted by AARP Magazine, over 60 percent of divorces are initiated by women in their 40s, 50s or 60s (which are typically the menopause years of a woman’s life)? 

In the past decades, the statistics of divorce has changed dramatically. Once, it used to be middle-aged men who want to replace their older wives and file for divorce; however, now it is the other way round and it is the females who leave marriages and file for divorce. The ratio of women filing divorce to men filing divorce is 3:1! 

An American psychiatrist Louann Brizendine, notes in her new book, ‘The Female Brain’, certain novel surprising and controversial explanations to these changes in the stats of divorce that have a scientific basis. According to her, the women are not running away from marriages, but, instead, they have for the first time taking control of their own lives when they walk out of a relationship. This happens due to a slump in their hormones responsible for the caring and nurturing nature of a mother that occurs at menopause. So the very moment a female becomes incapable of having children, her motherly instincts are chemically shut off too!

Now that’s DEEP!!!

I must admit I’m nowhere near asking my covenant keeper for a divorce, although I can understand how it can get to that point dealing with all of the emotional (new baggage) in a woman’s life during this time.

Last year I suffered through all 3 of these symptoms and I’m still fighting off the weight gain. Luckily my husband is still in love after 23 years of marriage or is blind to the weight gain; whatever it is for him he is sticking it out. I’m not saying our relationship is perfect by no means, but what I am saying is communication is key!

I really believe as long as the sex don’t truly suffer in our relationship Ricardo will be fine with the other indicators of menopause throughout our marriage.

I remember Rick had an encounter with the other woman Fay (my middle name) that I brought into our marriage she stayed irritated, aggravated and upset about not knowing what was going on in her life and it was driving Mr. Rick CRAZY! however the main woman Brenda the one who has captured his heart is more reserved and calm who took control of her life. Rick really loved the confident Brenda whereas the other woman showed up with a nasty attitude.

However slowly but surely the main woman Brenda the one who had captured Rick’s heart, the one who is reserved, level-headed and calm took control of her life again, by learning everything she can about “Golden Living” and the effect menopause can have on your marriage. So you know Rick really loved the confident Brenda versus the other woman with the nasty attitude.

Jokingly Rick “REBUKED” Fay little fickle self out of our marriage, now don’t get me wrong every now than she rears her little head but for the most part, she stays at bay and out of our marriage, partly because of our open level of communication. Remember it is a very important KEY FACTOR!

Menopause can change every viewpoint of a woman’s life.

Menopause should not be considered the lone wolf syndrome characterized by a collection of physical and biological changes. Instead, it should be dually noted as an overwhelming force on every single aspect of a woman’s life including relationships and marriage. It has been said that due to menopause the marriage of a woman is placed under a microscope because a woman’s brain is rewired by the hormone-driven changes and guess what ladies these changes causes us to notice injustice and inequality and speak about the issues affecting our relationships and marriages.  

Now, this stuff is really making sense to me. Let’s talk about the following…   

How Menopause Affects A Woman’s Brain?

The hormonal shifts or changes of menopause do affect the working of a woman’s brain. During menopause, the production of estrogen hormone is decreased, which implies that the oxytocin secretion is also lessened as oxytocin cells, which are present in the brain are stimulated by estrogen. Now, oxytocin is the hormone responsible for promoting feelings of caretaking and showing love for others. It is a feel-good hormone whose secretion is stimulated by having sex or a massage, or cuddling a baby or hugging a person for at least 20 seconds. Hence, before menopause, woman’s brain secreted sufficient oxytocin so as to enable them to take care of their loved ones. After menopause, oxytocin secretion is decreased and women become less interested in taking care of others-their focus changing from ‘we’ to ‘me’.

Hence, before menopause, a woman’s brain is wired to be more caring towards others; however, on reaching menopause, women are more inclined to think about self and less about others. During this time they may also voice against issues if there are any due to which they are unhappy in the marriage. Unfortunately, these changes are not always understood by the husbands and lead to a strained marital relationship.

What can men do when their women are going through menopause?

Golden Divas this is very imperative. If your husband is in the perimenopausal years, then being prepared for the changes to come will help both of you to cope with the changes associated with menopause and perimenopause. Men should be prepared for the irritability and mood fluctuations that their partner is going to experience during this stage. You should show them that you care and are sensitive to their changes.

It is also important for men to have some knowledge regarding HRT. In terms of sex, you have to find ways as a couple that provides intimacy even without intercourse. You should make your woman feel that she is still desirable and you still want to get intimate with her.

The Wrap-up! Yes…Your Marriage Can Survive Menopause!

Menopause does not mean that you have to divorce your husband. You can make your relationship stronger than before, by understanding each other’s needs and accommodating and communicating accordingly so that the other women (The Seven Witches of Menopause) don’t invade your marriage. 

This new journey of mines is going to take some getting use to from my husband and me, “Marriage & Menopause” unfortunately is inevitable if you and your spouse are willing to stay together; however, that other woman has to go! Just the (3) of us is not pretty in anyone’s relationship.

Golden Divas talk to me….what do you want your husband to know about menopause?

References:

http://www.empowher.com/menopause/content/menopause-ruining-your-relationship

http://www.lifeclimax.com/can-menopause-cause-a-divorce/